EMPTY :: Thursday, April 26, 2007, 12:48 AM
Hard to be happy?
This post is solely on my more personal life. As you can see on more than 3/4 of my post, in fact almost all, I don't talk about family, relationship etc. Just brief things that happen thru my life. Cos I don't wanna drag people in as I come to understand hw such entries could spoil things and create misunderstandings. And I've promised my bf that this blog will be just solely for a place to record down the events and happenings. Not very into my more intimate personal life. My purpose of this blog is mainly cos to record the days when I'm with him. As I have a bad memory, I wanted to note down the every moment I'm with him and to remember it forever. So basically my brain cant possibly store all but this will. Thats why I wrote more of a daily event blog rather than an emotive blog.
However today is exception. My emotions are overflowing and wo hen nan guo. Below is a post which is exception. It's not a letter for him. Whether he reads it or he doesnt, it doesnt matter. I don't know if he visits my blog or frequents it. Cos thats what I wanted to tell him, but do not wish to tell him personally. So I m just treating this blog as him and pour out everything. Unconcerned ple can pls dun read, nosey ple i cant stop you from reading. lol kidding.
All in white. Only smart people know how to read, but again I'm not inviting you to read. Anyway not many ple knew of my blog as I dont publicise it.
Changed the lifestyle for you, as I'm willing to adapt in to your life.Changed my attitude for you and myself, because I knew my temper was bad and you are the only person who can made me do this.Changed myself to be more understanding to your needs and everything, stil trying very hard and i know myself that I did improved.Everytime, now and then, been changing myself to follow you. Its always you, you and you. My piority you. And I don't mind.If you are someone that I do not want to lose, treasure with my life, do you tink that I'm willing to do all these? All because I treasure you. Thats why.How bout you baby? My expectations for you are simple. I simply accept the way you are COMPLETELY.The first time I fall for you, I've accepted your everything.I've never ever once asked u to change for me. Cos baby thats you.Desmond, whom I first knew that this is the way you are.Even if you are old, wrinkled, short, fat having a beer belly, I will still love you as much as I'm loving you now.I'm hurt. Seriously, the most painful one.Tho on surface it may seems small, but it means so much to me.You said you want me to be happy don't you? But why asked me to change the way I am when I'm happy?I'm serious when i needed to, right? I'm deal with my work seriously, am I? I know when to have fun and when not to have, isnt it? Am I not wen zhong enough when it comes to serious matter?People do stupid things to make other people around you laugh. Things like mimicking some actions which is stupid, watching youtube vids that are stupid. All these contributes to laughter and that makes everyone laugh and happy. Why are you stopping me from being happy and making people around me happy esp during happy occasion, and in fact, double happy occasion.Besides I'm just being a lil more hyper and talking in a more crazier way?Just this, you cant accept the way I am. You wanted me to be "wen zhong" ?This is not raine anymore. If I'm to change this, I've totally become a complete changed person whom is just catered for you because thats the way you want me to be.You wanted me to not show negative emotions anymore. Since that day I've been talking to you in such caring tone, smiling, talking lively and laughing. But right now, you don't like me being the way I am when I'm happy. Wouldn't I be emotionless? Its so dead..Why change a person to be the one that you want and not accept the way she is? Den why love me at the first place.. Totally makes no sense right..I love you for your responsibility, for your charisma, the security feeling, the care that you show me in a unique way, your cheng shou wen zhong. THATS WHY I LOVE YOU!I accept you as a whole person. The way you are w/o smthg new.You must be thinking I'm comparing. But I too accept your flaws too isnt it? Thats how I learn to give in too.But all that I've changed for you, I do all these willingly! Cos I know some of them is for my own good. Why not? But change the way I am when I'm happy. I can't.It hurts me so deeply when you say, "then we are not compatible"Just because I talked alot, hyper-ly, with sentences that meant to be stupid..You said we are not compatible? I'm totally hurt deep right in my heart. Seriously.I don't care what others say bout me, being crazy or stupid? It doesnt even matter.When I see ur face when i crack stupid jokes, I kind of expect you to laugh or at lease think its nth wrong. But ur face seemed to be that you are nt happy.Cried two times on my bed when I cant fall to sleep just now although I'm so tired. Seriously, I felt very wei qu. I dont care saying this. Thinking back all that I've done, this is what i get. This is what I gonna do.When I'm feeling happy at times when you are around, I will just be my normal self as in when my mood is normal. Will not initiate any stupid conversations or jokes. I'm doing this for you and not cos I've decided to change. When I'm w/o you, I will b my usual self. I hope this is acceptable for you.. Thats the best solution I could think of. I will try to sleep now..How I wish.. you will once said to me that I love the way you are. Stil I love you deeply. I wanna be with you till I grow old. (Naive? Yeah maybe. But thats my Xing4 Nian4, dunno how to call that in english) You shud know how serious I'm treating this r/s.If one day I lose you. Trust me I wun be like when I lost Ben =)
YOU'LL BE SURPRISED what whites can express.
